I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
