Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
