my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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