I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
