you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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