I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
