I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
