what day is it and did you see me today?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
