My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
