I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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