two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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