so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
