Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
