I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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