he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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