I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
