I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
