I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
