I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
