Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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