so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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