on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
