I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
