Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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