I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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