i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
