i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Im part way to drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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