This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
