He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
