Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
