we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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