we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
