Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We talked him into tasing himself.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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