you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
