Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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