Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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