we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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