The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
