everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
