I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
