Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
