Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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