VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
