Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I wear drunk well.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
