she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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