I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
