new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
