my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
