I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
