True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
